Learning and Loss through my Surrogacy Journey

In choosing to be a surrogate I considered so many different situations. I thought through what I would have to sacrifice and whether I could really do it. I knew a woman who had done it and asked her tons of questions. I liked the idea of it, I just didn’t know if it was something I could really do. 

The idea of helping a family have a baby always excited me. I have worked with and served families my entire adult life. First as a preschool teacher. Then I became a childbirth educator and doula and I started my business coaching families. Surrogacy was an extension of this, but it was much more than just doing a job. It involved dedicating more than a year of my life and my family’s lives to being pregnant.

About 5 years ago some clients of mine were in need of a surrogate. They had extreme complications in the delivery of their first baby and it would be much too dangerous for her to carry a baby herself again. At that moment I offered to carry a baby for her. This amazing couple I had worked with decided it would be too complicated to have someone so close to them be their surrogate. I completely understood and was not hurt by their decision at all.  Yet I now knew I was ready. Being a surrogate was something I could do and wanted to do. I found an agency and began the process. I was matched with an amazing couple in California. 

It was so exciting to be helping a family make their dream come true. Even with all the medications and appointments, we all were so excited. Transfer day was really cool. I tend to geek out on the technology stuff, so I thought the process was amazing on so many levels.

After the long 10 day wait to get blood work done, we found out I was pregnant! We had an ultrasound that showed a sac, but it was too early to get a heartbeat. Then two days later I started bleeding. It was so scary. I called and talked with the doctor to see what I should do. He said if the bleeding was light and slowing down to not worry but if it pickup to go to the emergency room. By early morning I was heading to the emergency room. 

I was having a miscarriage and I was so devastated. It had never occurred to me that if I got pregnant there would be a loss. I felt like a huge failure. Like I had failed the Intended parents. I felt I must have done something wrong with my medications or activity. I felt my body had failed. None of those thoughts were actually true. I was able to process and work through emotions to move on. We started again. We did two more cycles. The second cycle I didn’t get pregnant. The third time I did and once again had a miscarriage. 

The couple decided to stop the process and move forward in another direction. I was left feeling like my ability to be a surrogate was stolen from me. The agency I was working with said they wouldn’t be able to match me again because of the history I had now. Here was something I had spent so much time on and put my body through so much.  Now I wasn’t going to be able to actually be a surrogate. 

As time has passed, I have come to realize that I did get to be a surrogate. I didn’t carry and birth a baby but I still had my own journey. I am so grateful for the experience. I learned so much about what a person who struggles with infertility experiences, which has helped me so much in my work with families. 

I have no regrets about my journey and I’m still friends with the couple I was a surrogate for. I learned about my values and myself during this process that I could not have learned any other way.

My journey can be seen as a sad one. But I hope it encourages anyone thinking about being a surrogate to take the leap. Even if it turns out differently than you expect it will still be worth it. 

Are you ready to start your own journey? Visit our website and fill out an application.