Dear Supportive Surrogate; Receiving So Much More
Dear Supportive Surrogate: I’m researching becoming a surrogate and when I’ve talked about it to a few close friends they always ask me how I can “give up the baby.” It’s really put the thought at the front of my mind. How do I deal with the thoughts and how do I explain it to others? -Sincerely, The Oven for your Bun
Dear Oven: Any woman who has acted as a surrogate is nodding her head right now. It’s very natural to ponder this question. All surrogates wonder about that moment when they hand the baby to their parent(s) at some point. You already know that amazing feeling of giving birth to your own children and the incredible bond you immediately felt. A lot of gestational surrogates express their concern about those moments right after birth. As a pregnant woman everyone and their neighbor feels inclined to ask questions. As a surrogate you’ll get even more questions. How do you handle those questions about “giving up” the baby and the feelings that brings up?
One thing to remember is that although you’re carrying the baby for roughly 9 months, it’s not biologically related to you. It’s like the t-shirt says, “Their Bun, My Oven”. You’ll be nurturing this baby and taking the best care possible just like you did with your own children. However, the embryo is not yours biologically so you’ll have a different type of attachment to the baby. You became a surrogate so that you could carry a child for someone else who was unable to. You’re not giving up a child that belongs to you!
Of course, you’ll be walking through this journey alongside the intended parent(s). Meeting the people you’re going to give this amazing gift to is an exciting part of the process. This happens well before the transfer so you have a chance to get to know them and, depending on the desired relationship, maybe get to spend some time together. It’s a team effort, and the end goal is for them to have the joy of being parents like you already have with your family. It certainly can be difficult to imagine what that moment will look like. It’s different for everyone. I can speak from my own personal experience as a surrogate. To witness the parents meeting their baby for the very first time is an unforgettable experience. It felt very natural and easy to hand them their child for the first time.
Don’t forget that your agency is here for you. Your case manager and everyone at Texas Surrogacy are here to support you. If you have questions or concerns about what to expect at the delivery, you should definitely ask. It’s best to talk through this ahead of time, rather than in the moment. We have meet ups, tons of information on our website, and experienced staff to provide support on your surrogacy journey.
As far as explaining it to others, I’ve found with surrogacy that it’s not for everyone. Whether it’s when you’ve just started the application process or you are mid-pregnancy, people feel oddly comfortable asking how you’re going to “give up” the baby. They also may tell you how they could never do that themselves. Depending on the situation, you can give an answer like, “The baby isn’t biologically related to me. I’m carrying for some wonderful people who couldn’t on their own. I love my family, and we’re really excited to help build theirs as well.” This is the kind of answer I would give to the cashier at the grocery store who asked my children if they’re excited to have a little brother or sister, or to a co-worker in the elevator. Share as much or as little as you want to about your surrogacy journey.
Surrogacy isn’t something that everyone is familiar or comfortable with just yet. People mean well, and they’re curious. If people want to learn more about the journey of a surrogate in general, Texas Surrogacy has some great resources including FAQs, videos, blogs, and we’re even on Facebook.
Please click the link to submit your intake form through the Texas Surrogacy website when you’re ready to be considered for our surrogacy program.